In my blog posts this semester, I have explored the advantages and the disadvantages of parents telling their children white lies in childhood. White lies can be essentially a parents “best friend” as they come in handy to help their short-term problems, prevent an argument or end a discussion. But, new research have been proven that the more the parents tell these white lies, the more likely their kids are going to lie about things in the future. (1)
In this blog post, I will specifically be looking at white lies parents tell to spare their child’s feelings or to boost their self-confidence.
There may be many advantages to telling your kids white lies to improve their self-esteem and in the short-term, it can create a good and comforting world for children. It is important to spare you child’s feelings, especially as they are growing up. As parents are motivators and supporters, they need to give positive affirmation to their children to let them know that they care. Children need to feel safe, loved and accepted to build self-esteem. It helps them become their own person and make good choices in life. A parents words and actions reflect on their children and what they think about themselves. (2) Telling little white lies seems like just a stepping stone for children to discover their strengths and gain confidence.
But, with advantages, there are negatives, especially surrounding lies to spare a child’s feelings. Lying about a child’s skills or performance might seem harmless, but it can have even stronger impacts on their self-esteem (3). It is important to be careful when you talk about talents and abilities with your kid as you are not trying to bring them down, but at the same time, giving too much confidence can promote bad habits in the future.
Talking with a child about their performance is not black or white. When it becomes harmful to lie, focus on the technical aspects. It is better to comment on your observations that they have improved a particular skill that they were working on or to ask questions around what they are doing (3). There needs to be a balance between giving them enough credit and never making them feel like they need to try harder to please you, but at the same time, making sure that the lying does not become a strategy to end a conversation.
There are many strategies that parents can use to make sure that they are improving their child’s self-confidence, without lying and making up stories. These techniques just require a bit of patience but the long-term benefits would be worth it. Parents are helping their children grow to be honest, truthful and genuine people that do not need others to feel good about themselves, but do not have to feel overly-confident and develop a big ego.
Some strategies that can help include … (4)
- help your children to help them do things
- praise progress, effort and attitude
- be honest
- be a good role model
- avoid being critical
- focus on strengths
- notice what goes well
- encourage healthy friendships
- let kids help and give
Imagine how much some habits in early childhood can influence how we see ourselves in the future. A child’s self esteem is created from the beginning and continues being created each day (5). These habits can stay with them as they grow up to impact their mental health and their insecurities as teenagers. If they receive lots of care and attention, to the point where parents lie about in early childhood. If they do not receive the same compliments from others, they can develop fears and trust issues that their parents are just telling them what they want to hear. There are many negative effects of these type of white lies that can be especially detrimental in adolescence.
Sources:
- https://www.goodto.com/family/telling-kids-white-lies-to-spare-their-feelings-could-backfire-according-to-science
- https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/publications/healthy-living/child-self-esteem-nobodys-perfect.html
- https://www.childrensmercy.org/parent-ish/2022/11/lying
- https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/boost-self-esteem.html
- https://www.chhs.niu.edu/child-center/resources/articles/self-esteem.shtml
Hey Ariana,
This is such an intriguing blog post! I really liked how you explored both the advantages and disadvantages of parents telling white lies to boost their children’s self-esteem. The example you gave about how too much praise can create bad habits in the long run really stood out to me. A question I have for you is do you think there’s ever a time when white lies could be beneficial, even in the long term? I would love to know the answer to that! For a future blog post, you could also dive deeper into how cultural differences affect parents’ use of white lies and self-esteem building. I have provided a couple of links below that talk about that topic which may help you with research. Nevertheless, I look forward to reading your future blog posts!
https://www.cpmentalwellbeing.com/parenting/cultural-differences-in-parenting-styles-embracing-diversity-and-evolving-approaches
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022096523002138
Mahdiya A.
Hi Ariana!
Really love your inquiry question, it’s very interesting and such a overlooked problem so I’m glad you are taking the time to share about it.What’s something that really surprised you? Adding that to your reflection might make it feel more personal. Keep up the great work!
-Rylie
Hello Ariana! I really enjoyed reading your blog post. Your inquiry was well-researched and detailed, and I can tell that you put a lot of time and effort in finding the advantages and disadvantages of your inquiry question. I also found that your ideas are very interesting, and it encouraged me to think more deeply about the topic. One little suggestion is to add a bit more in the ending to leave a strong final impression. Overall, great job! 🙂
-Isabella
Hey Ariana!
This was such an insightful post and I loved how you explored both the comfort and consequences of white lies. The idea that too much praise can backfire was especially eye-opening. You explained it so clearly and with such care. I also liked your use of visuals and thought it helped me better understand your writing. Overall you did amazing and this was such a thoughtful read.
Ishani Balachandran
Hi Ariana, I really enjoyed reading your blog post. I noticed that my auntie tells a lot of white lies to my 3-year-old cousin to avoid long explanations to difficult questions. For example, my auntie loves lying to my cousin by saying that the park is closed, so that my cousin will not start a tantrum. I especially love how you mentioned how white lies are dangerous because it may encourage the children to lie unconsciously in the future. Some questions I have for you are: what are some examples of white lies that are helpful to children? Is it better for children to have an authoritarian parent or an authoritative parent? When is it ethical to tell a white lie to maintain a healthy relationship with friends? For example, is it harmful for children when you laugh at their joke even when it was not funny? Here are some resources to help you research further:
https://www.verywellmind.com/is-it-ever-okay-to-lie-5118228
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK568743/
https://mcpress.mayoclinic.org/parenting/what-parenting-style-is-right-for-you/
Thank you,
Sarah Kim